Another year, another HUMP! (2012)

November 24, 2012 § 5 Comments

Lets say you didn’t go to HUMP!  You don’t live in Portland, Washington, or Seattle.  Or you’ve refused to read The Mercury ever since that drunken early morning-altercation with an ex-editor and some figs.  I don’t care.  Let me tell you a little about HUMP! 2012 so you can put a reminder on everyone’s calendar for next year.

I try to keep my posts more childish than adult, but this one’s a review of a humrous amateur porn festival, so if you’re not into that just skip this one and tune back in next time for more posts about nuts. Uhm, Gingko nuts?

What is HUMP! and why shouldn’t I fear it?  Read my summation + explanation of HUMP! 2011.  It’s an amateur porn filmfest where all the films are destroyed at the end.  By culture, it’s largely a blend of sexy and tongue-and-cheek.

With 90 submissions to choose from this year, the 27 they chose were bound to be top-notch.  This year’s extra credit inclusions were sweater vests, lesbian sex, and packing peanuts.  If ‘lesbian sex’ being bonus instead of par surprises you, recall how last year there were inexplicably near-to-no lesbian sex submissions.  Sweater vests were a shoe-in, but packing peanuts were a funky twist.  Filmmakers, pinned by the limited usefulness or artistic merits of packing peanuts, resorting to pretending they were water, cum, or the human manifestation of unpacking a Prince-laden box on too many drugs.  I’m not going to cover all the films (I’m skipping a lot of great ones), but here’s a limited play-by-play chance to re-live the HUMP! experience in your own bedroom:

Rumpy Pumpy was silly digital animation of a genitalia jumping all over everything.  Here’s the site of the lady who made it, and although Rumpy Pumpy (hilariously misspelled Rumpy Puppy in The Mercury) isn’t up there, some other cute, less randy ones are:

When you Wank upon a Star:  A man is watching one of his favorite 80’s porn films when something magical passes, and the characters materialize in front of him.  I’d written a description for this, but (thanks!) the link was posted in the comments so you can see it for yourself!  NSFW + one of our favorites:

Beyondeep was incredibly hot, and heartfelt, and unpretentious, the way lesbian sex should be.  I think this is their tumblr.  I understand tumblr only slightly more than the average person two generations above me, so I’ll leave it to you to decipher:

D&D Orgy:  I hold all D&D material to about a The Players: Dorkness Rising level, so I felt a little guilty about wanting more themed tomfoolery.  This was fun and enjoyable – a group playing D&D, and then girls start making out and there’s an orgy suddenly and oh god every other geek in that audience has seen this in their head.  I would have enjoyed more D&D jokes – wait – I’m demanding more non-porn in a porn film – wow I’m officially a jerk.  The cast looked like they had a ton of fun (bonus points) and arrived in a limo (style).

Magic Love:  The highlight of the show for many; a couple’s whimsical stop-motion sex.  They took full advantage of the fun physical humor you can do with live-action stop-motion, like bouncing partners all sorts of silly directions, etc.

MAN SMASH was one of my favorites and I have no desire to see it ever again.  It’s graphic, it’s man-smashing, and it’s all available right here for you to be upset by in the comfort of your own home.  It hits the nail on the head of a genre (and, more literally, a dick), so although it’s not a genre/fetish I enjoy, I have to give them major props for perfecting it.  Wondering why, oh god why, this would ever happen?  Read more about MAN SMASH here.

One of my favorites was a tantalizingly hot flick of two absurdly attractive men fixing a car.  It boasted an excellent humorous use of props, two gloriously attractive men, and they both turned out to be transmen, making it all the awesomer.  No idea if it was slipped in later, or if its one-liner in The Mercury was just heinously undescriptive, but the title’s a mystery.

The Mercury references Dueling Dames as a “sepia-toned tumble in a Wild West whorehouse” so perhaps they have insight that I lack, but to my eyes it was a delightful 1920’s style flick on two standoffish ladies who, bored, challenge each other to a contest.  It captures the aesthetic – and the slapstick – perfectly.

Krutch largely consisted of woman with perhaps cerebral palsy limping down city streets, her crutch tap-tap-taping awkwardly loudly, inter-spliced with footage of her coming home, taking off her shoes, and finally relaxing.  Yeah, as the guidebook says it’s “proving to the world that people with disabilities have genitalia that work just fine” but it does a hell of a lot more than that: it captured the best O. moment of the whole fest by inter-splicing it with footage of her running to catch a bus, finally catching the bus, and at the climactic moment getting to sit down.  The whole audience breathed audibly in relief and joy.  It was masterful because everyone actually reacted to O. as a moment, something no other film achieved.  Well done.

Go Ahead, Pee!  Seriously this film was just a woman jumping on a trampoline in a unitard with the World’s Biggest Smile, peeing.  I was so jealous the whole time.  Don’t even try to say you weren’t too.  Many viewers upon leaving the theater directly purchased both a trampoline and a unitard, trying to attain that ethereal level of joy.

Toeing the Line: Everything that’s right with the gay rights movement in one video.  Two incredibly happy gay dudes run around celebrating how happy they are at all sorts of anti-gay establishments.  It’s just…so…happy.  No anger, no lashing out, just having the Best Time Ever.  Plus they wrote all their own awesome music for it!

Dirty Mind: An encounter with a mail-order (yet home-made) cardboard cut-out of Prince.  Enough said.

EdenXXX:  Burning man, glitter, freak fur…you can check out their website .

Best Slumber Party Ever: Three aloof 90’s sparkle hipsters harass the most adorable nerd girl ever.  Here’s the teaser trailor!

Some related tumblr posts (another foray into that terrifying land) seem to mention that they were asked to edit the film down from 5 min. to 2 min., or edit some scenes out, or something.  I’d be curious to know if HUMP! asks many of its films to make certain edits, and how specific the requests are (certain scenes? length?).

D for You: I can’t imagine why this *wouldn’t* be online.  It’s a great animated short about a Dolphin and a Unicorn and online dating, of course.  I think they shot it as top-down stop motion with construction paper cut-outs, which looks like so much fun!  Oh jealous.

Peter and the Wolf:  This was, for real, set to the fabulous Sergei Prokofiev Peter and the Wolf piece.  As someone who listened to (a kid’s version of it) a lot as a child, I felt in tune with each musical stage of flirtatious curiosity, excitement, and fear.  On the screen, a man picks another man up in a park, takes him home on his motorcycle, starts making out with him, and then chains him up moments before the other man transforms into a wolf.  More pornographic bits follow, and it ends with Peter shooting the wolf, putting on his ‘werewolf slayer’ jacket, and getting back on his motorcycle.  A brilliant concept, perfectly executed.  One of my absolute favorites.

Boyfriend: The actual Justin Bieber song ‘Boyfriend’, which you should watch first.  It’s already creepy.

BenDeLeCreme’s horror-themed and colorful cover of Boyfriend, which you won’t regret.

Chatting with folks after the show, the stand-out was an aversion to anything that lacked humor.  We were spoiled by all the clever flicks into resenting hot sex without a plot twist or (non-literal) gag. One particularly perfect straight sex scene, of a quality that would have made it a goldmine in any private context, was derided as boring.   Save it for the bedroom!  folks seemed to say, I’m here to laugh with my friends and not be ashamed of sexuality, not get off.  Odd and interesting.

From my post last year, as I still feel the same: This was the classiest version of the evening I could have imagined. The audience was tipsy, but a classy, lighthearted, inoffensive crowd. I always wondered about the experience of seeing Deep Throat in theaters in the 70′s, when “porno chic” was in its brief phase, and it was moderately acceptable in nicer circles to attend and discuss humorous porn films. I think I just found out.

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